Thoughts and Opinion

Author: Summer Johnson

Divorce. An ending of a marriage that, you thought would last a lifetime. The emotional trauma placed on the whole family unit going through divorce is the reason its listed as one of the most stressful traumatic life events a person can endure. I remember my own mother expressing how devasted she was that my ex-husband wasn’t a part of the family any longer, she expressed great sorrow. She was sad for him, “you broke his heart, and I am allowed to feel that for him”. What she said has stayed with me throughout the now 6 or 7 (I kind-of last track) years we’ve been apart. See like most women, I filed for divorce. Over 60% of the time, women are the petitioners. That didn’t mean much to me at the time, I was 30 years old, been married for 10 years, together for 12 or 13 and had two amazing children. I’ll spare you all the details of why or how, that’s not what’s important here. What’s important is the actions directly following filing for divorce. As a woman, I already knew I would gain custody of the children this was the least of my worries. The days leading into my ex moving out I made sure to keep him close to the kids, we were lucky enough for him to find an apartment within a mile and the kids loved the fact it was right next door to their grandma! It’s imperative that your words and actions mirror that of your children, for example, I would NEVER refer to my ex-husband as my “ex” in front of the children! Children have no concept of adult relationship status or what those entail. If the kids were excited to see their father, then, I was excited for them. I had many serious discussions with my oldest regarding what was happening and our next move, it was important to him to feel security in knowing. Not being told about court proceedings and arguments over assets, but the peace that comes with knowing, “we’re still a family even if it looks different, and mom and dad love you all the same”. I demanded their involvement is making weekly schedules with their father, their input was an indictor that we needed the whole family to make this work and it will take all of us.

Although I had an Associate degree, my career path was not leading me to the lifestyle I desired, so after filing for divorce, moving to a different Town, buying my own house, and living full time with two children I decided to go back to college! Crazy right? Could I maintain a certain level of living relying on my full-time job and child support? Sure, I could, did I want to be stuck in the cycle of relying on other people, especially my ex-husband to support me? No, I did not. Why would I want to rely on someone to support me financially, when I didn’t even want to share a bed with them? That didn’t seem logical to me. I petitioned the court to demand a deviation from the standard child support amount so that my ex could provide the same amount of comfort and living as I was for our children. I didn’t want anything from him, hence the divorce proceedings! It never made any sense to me why some mothers continued to promote a connection and interactions with their ex post-separation, in terms of financial reliance. I needed my ex in a different way now, he needed to be able to afford gas, a house, food etc. so that the children could spend time with him while I continued my college learning. I needed him to show up on friendly terms on off days to pick up the kids so I could study all night, I needed him to provide dinners on the weeks I was struggling to manage it all. The children needed to see that it takes a whole team to run a family and to help each other succeed. My ex would be useless if he was depressed, broke, homeless, or missing in action. I needed him to step up and SHARED these daily responsibilities that come with raising children.

If it wasn’t for this understanding of “SHARING” the roles and responsibilities of parenting, I would’ve been able to gain my Paralegal degree or own my own home let alone go on to finish my bachelor’s in public policy to work on reforming the above issues within the court system. I would’ve been another “single mom” stat living paycheck to paycheck waiting for my child support and relying on government programs to fill the parental gap of providing. I’m stronger, happier, and more successful because of the path I choice post-divorce and my children are happier, safer, healthier, and more successful because of the path I choose for them, which was one of family unity, teamwork and living through restorative family measures while maintaining love and compassion instead of hate, anger, jealously and entitlements.